There are lot of slang in the American English. Learning English, one of my second languages, is hard, and its slang is even harder.

I was like what the heck when I heard phrases like:

Piggyback everyone, I hope ....

She is just a goody two shoes ....

and the list can go on and on, and I would feel as if I were a hillbilly.

Nothing is forever in our universe, and everything changes over time, some would argue. I agree in general, but changing itself would be forever. I would definitely think it was an important exception when I think about the concept of forever deeply in a broader context.

Life is full of changes with surprises, isn't it? Growing up in China, I was often told to study hard to have a better career in order to serve the country. But this came to an end abruptly when I was given an immigration visa to join my grandmother's family here in the US. I was still in college at that time, but I would need to leave everything behide, saying goodbye to everything I had, my hometown, my relatives, my friends, my school, my teachers, my classmates, and my favorite radio stations, too.

I was fond of listening to radio, mostly because there wasn't too much entertainment back in the eighties when televisions were rare in China, let alone computers and internet that we have today. I was very grateful that my aunt, Lola, a native San Franciscan, gave me a portable radio as a gift when she came from the US to visit our family in China in early eighties. The device, traveling across the Pacific with Lola's passion of caring for our family in China, brought me a lot of warmth and joy. Although the device was pocket-sized with earphones, it was pretty well made that would produce wonderful stereo sounds.

I was enchanted by this little device as I could enjoy the sounds that I had never experienced before. I especially liked to listen to some music programs from the local stations when I was in the colleage campus in Guangzhou. The sound quality coming out from the device was awesome as the signals there were strong because of their proximities. I was especially joyful to listen to some natural sounds of raining, thundering, or bird chirping, broadcasted usually around midnight every Saturday. I would go sleeping with those wonderful sounds.

I had to say goodbye to my other favorite radio stations that I listened to when I was in my hometown too, mainly stations from RTHK, which would provide us news services, pop cultural contents mostly. I would listen to pop, classical music, and even some programs from their English channels to get to know more about English.

All these would need to stop as I was afraid of, and it did halt when I departed from an airport in Hongkong and then landed in San Francisco.

The thirty plus years that followed, we were busy for our survival in the new land, most connections with the old land faded away gradually, especially in the earlier period of time when communications were not that advanced as what we were today. Out of sight, out of mind, everything seemed so natural but irreversible.

One day not long ago, when I turned on the bluetooth radio in my newly purchased SUV, a long forgotten radio call name filled my ears. Yes, it's RTHK, the same call name that I had listened to numerous times thirty years ago! This familiar radio call name had disappeared from my vision for thirty years, and it now came back live to me from my SUV via internet again! Tears in my eyes, some vague memory started to rejuvenate, faces of my playmates, my uncles, aunts, my classmates, my schools, my hometown and more such sentimental images reappearing in my mind again, vividly. I felt as if I was back to the old days after a long and circular journey.

It's magical, isn't it? The things that lost track of for thirty years would reappear again in another dimension that would stun me in an unbelievable way. Have you experienced such wonderful rediscovery in life when life itself changes forever over the years? If you have, please let me know if you were emotional as I was.

倘若你是花儿，开在寂寞的山头上,
我愿化作春风，绿了野草和你相伴。

倘若你是蓝色的海水，在波涛中荡漾,
我愿化作微风，引来海鸥为你歌唱。

倘若你是一片枯黄的树叶，静静地飘落,
我愿化作秋风，随你一起漂泊。

倘若能博得，倚窗那人儿，轻轻的一笑,
我愿化作狂风，卷起飘雪，为你殷勤地舞一趟。

      小学毕业那年，祖父母和我从中国最北的H市搬到南方的Z城,住在我外婆娘家的一位远房堂弟的儿子家。恐怕要把算盘里的珠子都得用上,方可算出我们是何等的亲戚关系，难度就如一道求未知数X的数学题。我那位勉强称得上亲戚早年全家移民加拿大，不久发了达便寄钱回乡盖了这座新房，还托人带给我祖父母为数不少的“看门费”，只是希望我们逢初一十五能给他祖先烧烧香。是否因为这片孝心，祖先庇佑他才发达呢？

高高的围墙，屋前是一大片水泥地，四周却留空用来种些果树和花草。邻居说靠铁门右边墙角的是黄皮树，左边是杨桃树；那棵廋得像根弯了腰的竹竿似的是柿子树。还有两棵柠檬树，一棵长满了绿油油的叶子，另外一棵长得不怎么生气勃勃却开着乳白色的小花。花蕊是黄色的，发出阵阵幽香,引来蜜蜂嗡嗡地飞;偶尔也有蝴蝶越墙过来。

            从开花到结果大概一个月左右的时间。南方的柠檬是深绿色的，有拳头那么大。我之前没喝过柠檬茶，嚷着要祖母做。祖母也没见过这种果实，不知如何下手。缠了许久，她拧不过我, 终于答应了。于是我满怀期望地看着她忙着找蜜糖，拿白砂糖，烧开水泡茶。好不容易地才弄了两小杯所谓的柠檬茶。一尝，味道却不咋地，我想干脆把它倒掉。

一向以不能浪费食物为宗旨的祖母连哄带吓地硬是要我的祖父把它喝光。我祖母认真地跟他说： “柠檬茶能补血养颜、强身健体、生津止渴、宁心安神、滋肝明目、延年益寿、医感冒更可防癌症。”我以平生最大的努力忍着笑，却默默地怀疑：“难道祖母年轻时是靠卖膏药为生？” 幸好，忠厚老实而且不善言词的祖父不曾反问：“这么好，干嘛你们俩不喝？” 不知什么缘故，连大多数汉人都闻风丧胆的蒙古三杯拦门酒,也难让我这位额不格皱一下眉头，对着这区区两小杯褐色的饮品，却面露难色。当时我祖父是否心里暗忖：“看来中原最厉害的毒药应该是柠檬茶、钋210和鹤顶红？”

后来,他还是不得不饭前饭后各一杯。以现在的标准来衡量，早在三十多年前，我祖父母的环保意识已经算是很强的。我慈祥的祖父活到八十九岁才驾鹤西归。现在想起来，柠檬茶确实有我祖母所说的延年益寿的功效。

-C.E.写于12-16-2014雨夜. 滂沱的大雨呵，请叫冰冷的水不要钻入我祖父母的坟,好让他们在黑暗里静静地度过又一个寒冬。    

        前院的小树开始从被折断的旧枝底部冒出新绿芽了.  风雨中上班出门看着那萌动中的点点翠绿,  心里的愧疚感稍微舒缓.  真的害怕几乎被我无意中摧毁的小树死去, 救不回, 烙下个“辣手摧花”的恶名. 

        我都干了些什么 ? 我坏么?  最近每每看到那凋零的小树，我老在思考像这类的问题.  坊间有这么一说, 爱护动物或小孩的人再坏也坏不到那里去.   我本身没宠物, 也很难用自家小孩作判断.  我不大敢由此判断我是善是恶, 是好是坏.

        几十年匆匆而过, 像这样有关对与错，好与坏等涉及价值观的问题开始慢慢地进入我思维的地平线, 一一地徘徊在我脑海.  这恐怕不是出于偶然.   经过几十年岁月沉淀,  那些初级飘佛不定的感性认识, 始终会回归更深层理性的启蒙和领悟.    从少作恶到不作恶,  从学行善到多行善,  由唯我独尊渐向谦卑而有理有节,  一步一步修正，一天一天前行，盼能作更好的人.   作为最普通的人家,  虽不能与古时修身齐家治国平天下的士大夫们的层次作比较, 但修身齐家应是人生到某些阶段该持的态度和义务.   

        每阶段的人生都有各自的特色, 不是么?  儿时童真, 只知人分好坏两极.  少年单纯混沌叛逆, 自把自为, 自以为是.  青年气盛, 唯我独尊且任意妄为, 常有辣手摧花的恶行, 更有错把猫儿当足球般的凶狠.   而到了而立或不惑之年, 几经岁月的洗礼, 一般的人家往往都能走向理性,  悲天悯人, 有所为而有所不为.  那些丝毫不变, 继续任意妄为的, 应躬身自省，否则自归异类, 无可救药.

        下班回头再看院子里的小树,  忽然一念，若如把上文所提的坊间一说扩展为”连植物都爱护的人再坏也坏不到那里去”,  在这定义下, 我应不太坏.   您同意不？ 

又是一个无眠的夜，更何况窗外尽是风和雨, 此情此景，怎不教我想起“夜雨秋灯，梨花海棠相伴老”的誓约？

前度某君是个温文雅尔的谦谦君子，却比我年长许多。我们从相遇相知相恋到分开，归根结底是我年少任性不懂得珍惜。本人陋习不少，而且性格上的缺点更多。 每当我一贫如洗地从赌场回到家，或是买回一大叠彩票正喜滋滋地做我的黄粱美梦时，前度某君一定会说: “我从不想中奖，但愿也不会被雷劈。希望两极的运气相抵消，能平平安安过日子就好。” 他这么一说，我心里总不高兴,  好像他在诅咒,  若有一天我中了奖必遭雷劈。看看人家令狐冲是怎么想：“倘若小师妹是我妻子，她要干甚么，我便由得她干甚么，是好事也罢，是坏事也罢，我决不会有半点拂逆她的意愿。她便要我去干十恶不赦的事，我也不会皱一皱眉头。” 我当时是这么认为 -- 爱就是应该盲目纵容而不应该理性的。 从此心生芥蒂，到后来劳燕分飞。

然而, 一想到他快踏入古稀之年却依旧孑然一身，也难免忧伤。相处多年，他当然知道我是个长情念旧的人。纵使我有千般不对万般错，看在我今夜思念故人的份上，希望他能怨恨我少一点。 话又说回来，以我对他的了解，这样大度的一个人，又怎会对他曾经倾心而恋的人生恨过？想必然，一念到我仍然记挂着他时，心里还是会有一丝莫名的欣慰吧？

 不知遥遥万里外，在中国北方一个偏远的地方，此刻也是一样风雨满城？那儿，是否有人和我一样夜半无寐，披衣起坐, 苦苦追忆一段逝去的旧情缘?

不知是否如流传那样，蒙古人特别怕打雷，我的确很怕。旅居旧金山多年，今夜才头一回碰上风和雨、雷与电交加。

儿时，一看到闪电便慌忙地用两只食指捂住耳朵。想不到人到中年而且白发斑斑的我，动作依旧。好在夜半无人，要不然真的贻笑大方。想起小时候，只要一打雷闪电，我就躲在祖父身旁。我的祖父一定会这样哄我:“不怕, 雷只劈坏心眼的人。”但是我还是怕; 怕得要命。

许多年前,某个乌云密布的下午，我一放学回家便伏在祖母的大腿上哭得像受了不少委屈。现在想起也觉得好笑，那时哭的理由是最好的小伙伴小芬的数学成绩比自己好。我得到的安慰却不像电视剧里什么人生不如意的事十之八九的大道理，而是:“今天晚上，额么格给你做好吃的。”但是我依然满脸泪痕很不服气地摇着头。祖母用衣袖轻轻地抹干我的眼泪，带点“恨意”地说:“今天晚上叫雷公跑到小芬家附近大声地打，打到小芬害怕不敢做功课。”我才破涕为笑还说:“好，好，好，最好把她劈死。”一个才五六岁的小女孩竟然会因为成绩不如他人，巴望着好友被雷劈死。念觉尚心寒, 可能我是个天生歹毒的人。

幸好，打雷闪电有警世作用。祖父那句“雷只劈坏心眼的人”牢记心中。长大以后，从不因恶小而为之，大恶更是连想也不敢想。我之所以能够平安地活到如今，大抵归功于雷神。一念至此，待明日天放晴，我得向雷公江天君深深三拜以示谢意。

C.E. 写于12-2-2014雨夜 ---躺在地母怀中的祖父母是否依然记挂着那位怕打雷闪电的我呢？

今天在网上读到这么一则报道， 来自贵州刚满一岁的陈显阳的一家在浙江工作，他妈妈下班买了一些樱桃回家喂他吃，没想到樱桃核卡住气管，需要用特殊工具才能取出，只能转送去杭州救治。 当晚，孩子被送到杭州后，气管中的樱桃核被成功取出，但因堵塞时间太长，孩子缺氧，在重症监护室治疗一个月。 家里钱花光了，为了救儿子，陈显阳的父亲竟然拿着菜刀和扳手去抢银行。 父亲被酌情轻判刑三年半，母亲离家出走。 照顾陈显阳的重担就压在爷爷奶奶身上。 为了还上孙儿看病借来的钱，爷爷每天到工地上做钢筋工，每天工作九小时，赚180元。 周围热心人们和网友也为他们一家难过，愿意捐款帮助他们这一家渡过难关。

我个人很不愿意也很难过看像这样的悲剧在发展如日中天祖国发生， 但事实是类似的悲剧还是经常发生，且一次次地揪痛我的心，使自己在唱衰祖国的某些人面前显得苍白乏力，窘得抬不起头来。祖国已开放发展为世界经济老二， 但很多方面还是不如人愿， 总给某些人落下口实。 耍嘴皮子唱衰很容易，动动口就行，但这些人未必能了解治理大国的难，能体谅当权者责任的重。

撇开别的不说， 就单说民生吧， 民生本无小事，再加上十三亿的倍数，民生工程的巨大可想而知，岂是那些仍然装满仇恨，思维仍停滞不前的人的脑子能容纳下的规模。 我个人认为， 祖国这几十年发展的大方向是对的，当初让一部分人先富起来的阶段性策略也无可厚非。 但社会经济发展到如今， 民生发展总不是很协调均衡，富者骄逸，贫则难图强，弱势家庭变的更脆弱。 这时候， 祖国也是否应该停一停，好好反思一下发展中出现的问题。 发展当中是不是应多加点人文的因素， 多一点就像现当权者所说的以人为本的情怀。 或者，这些问题早已在执政者的视野内，希望这仅是我个人的多愁善感自作多情而已。

依我个人看，负责任的执政者不应只看国家的GDP，或骄傲于大多数国民的富裕，更要看他怎样看待和帮助处于弱势的社群以体现以人为本的理念。 毕竟人类社会不应是弱肉强食的动物世界， 是有美好人性的群体。 尽管如此， 群体组成的社会中不可能人人都是强者， 当中难免有弱势社群。 当这些人在社会中求生存往上爬而不小心往下掉的时候， 我个人希望等待他们的不是使他们粉身碎骨的万丈深渊，而是充满人性和弹性的能让他们回弹后能从新再出发的社会安全网。 而这社会安全网的建设，是政府和人民急不容缓的共同责任。 如祖国社会没有社会安全网的建设，我个人认为再高的GDP也只是一个空洞的数字，因为纯数字无法全面体现人性的价值，社会的公平正义，和个人的基本尊严。

旅居美国几十年，深感当地社会安全网的重要性。 尽管一些人还是会指责它被别有用心的人滥用， 但它至少可避免中国式那般的悲剧在这发生。 我个人在想，要是祖国社会能健全这么一个安全网，再而漫漫地孕育出一个比较公义的社会环境，像陈显阳的一家那样的悲剧则可免矣，唱衰一派的嘴脸也可休矣。

    If the seemingly well-educated lady with a pair of thick eyeglasses hadn’t told my grandfather that I was surely a chemistry genius (in her class), I definitely wouldn’t have been stupid enough to major in chemistry and graduated summa cum laude. As time passed, I occasionally wondered why Ms. Aisinjuelo, my middle school chemistry teacher had such a compliment on me? Finally, I concluded the following possibilities: Maybe it was the first time she taught a chemistry class. However, I tended to believe my grandfather definitely misunderstood her. Without any doubt, it is easy for a non-Chinese speaking person like my grandfather often mixes up the word “mediocrity” (庸才 yongcai) with “genius” (天才 tiancai).

    Anyhow, my Mongolian grandfather was happy for several months and even years because of Ms. A’s compliment. Thereafter, whenever he ran into his friends or neighbors, he would unconsciously tell them that “according to the best teacher in town, my granddaughter was a genius in chemistry.” From that day on, I was totally doomed just like the Chinese expression “riding a tiger” – which means not so easily to get out. This impacted me negatively, and it almost ruined my future or even life. Ladies and gentlemen, please do a good deed a day by not to easily compliment a grandchild in front of his/her grandparent.

    More or less influenced by my mother, I used to love literature. I was brought up to read Russian classics and masterpieces of writings in the May Fourth Movement Period. At that time, I always asked myself what occupation would be better than being a writer. Writers do not need to brave cold or hot weather to go to work every day. I dreamt of making a living by just “playing” around words creatively and imaginarily at home. One score and a few years later, I am unable to express my thoughts in either Chinese or English (This blog is one of the proofs). However, sometimes I think I can write beautifully, especially when drafting my personal e-mails in a multiple-language mode -- the combination of perfect broken English, Chinese and Mongolian.

    During my first year in middle school, somehow, I fell in love with mathematics. Oh, I remember, I was strongly influenced by an article about the famous mathematician, Mr. Chen Jingrun, who proved every sufficiently large even number, can be written as the sum of a prime and a semiprime. I made up my mind and decided to major in math after I finished reading the article. That year, my math grade improved tremendously. I thought one day I would be able to solve the Goldbach's Conjecture, and my name would appear on headlines of every single newspaper in the world. Then all my hard work would be worthy. One quarter of a century later, sometimes I can’t even help my son’s fifth-grade math homework. How ironically it is!

    Then two years later, a new history teacher transferred to my school, and his name is Mr. Lin (林老师) 。 His classes were always full of interest. Moreover, the phrase of my essay "What is history? Take a look at who is in power." was highly praised in the class by him. So that year, I decided to become a history teacher. Since 8th grade I like to read history books. I still like to google reading materials about history online. 25 years later, I dare not to watch any Chinese or Hong Kong custom TV series because they always contradict the facts of history. Recently, some of my friends are crazy about the most popular Chinese so-called historical TV series, "The Legendary of Zhen Huan (“后宫甄嬛传") which is about one of the most famous Manchurian Queens of the Qing Dynasty. After just watched two or three episodes during my last winter vacation in Wisconsin, I could easily sum up this 80- chapter long TV series into one word, “preposterous” or “rubbish”. On the other hand, if I hadn’t read a lot about history in the past, I would have liked most my friends who enjoyed the show and would have had a common topic during our gatherings. I would consider this wasn’t my fault but Mr. Lin’s.

    During my high school years, intoxicated by Marxism-Leninism, I wanted to be a philosopher. “I think therefore I am.” I started to study idealism and materialism (somehow instead of socialism and communism). I even wrote several essays about why people needed to be more materialistic if they wanted to be Marxist followers, and those essays were published in the school’s newspapers (I need to mention that my best friend, Jianjun Jun was the editor). I was a “pious” socialist follower, so I was a pure atheist when I was young. However, now I am sort of idealistic and tend to pay attention to my daily horoscope and zodiac fortune; moreover, I love online divination.

    It is worthy to mention about how I make a living now. After graduating from college, coincidentally, I have been working in the accounting field for non-profit. What a waste of my chemistry degree and summa cum laude for nothing! However, terms like hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, boron, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, fluorine, neon and the other elements on the periodic table have firmly “camped” in my mind. Furthermore, even most of the element valences linger forever. I have tried very hard to kick them out from my memory, but it was too late. In daily life how often I can use this "boring" and “useless” stuff? I just learned an useful English medical term yesterday afternoon but couldn’t even recall it this morning. This is either an early sign of Alzheimer's disease, or I might have Dalai Lama VI Complex Syndrome-- Mr. Tsangyang Gyatso once wrote “I am meditating. I need to focus on thinking of Gods. Nevertheless, the smiling face of my lover whom I try to forget appears in my mind spontaneously. Where are the Gods?”

    Once young, you and I also had dreams too. But as time flew by, we all seem like a bird that has been caged too long to remember the desire to fly.

--Dedicated to my respected Chemistry teacher, Ms. Aisinjuelo Suti. Please let me quote from my favorite writer, Lu Xun, “Dear kind Mother Earth, may her soul ever rest peacefully in your arms?" (The last paragraph from “Ah Chang and the Stories of Mountains and Seas” -- “仁厚黑暗的地母呵，愿在你怀里永安她的魂灵。")

        倘若二十多年前，那位戴着厚厚的眼镜，看似饱读诗书的金老师没有对我祖父说我是（镇里)百年难遇的化学天才，我才不会“自甘堕落”地在大学主修化学。多年以后，人总会长大，回头想一想还是百思不解。究竟是S镇百年都没有化学课，还是以我祖父当时的汉语水平来说，金老师说得是 “八年”而不是“百年”？或者更甚的是她明明说庸才而不是天才？

        无论如何, 我那位蒙古爷爷就因为这一句话乐了好几个月，他的汉语水平大大地提升。如果不幸地碰上无论是相熟还是刚认识的朋友，他一定能原腔正调地对他们说“我的孙女是（镇里）百年难得一见的化学奇才。” 我又纳闷了，奇才是否比天才更加出类拔萃？从此以后，我便骑虎难下，并且就因为那一席话几乎毁掉我的前途甚至一生。诸君，请以后不要做出违背良心的事, 更不要随便在祖父母辈前称赞他们的孙子或孙女。

        在此之前，我热爱文学。多多少少受我母亲影响，自小饱读俄国名著。鲁迅，朱志清，萧红等等五四运动作家的大作也背得滚瓜烂熟。那时的我在想有什么工作比得上作家好？不需要冒着严寒或者烈日出门去上班下班。特别是想到雨天或冬季呆在家里天马行空爬格子就可以谋生便乐滋滋。世界上除了做翻译就是做作家好。做翻译也不错，我会五六种语言（方言），可惜用的是同一样的文字。二十多年以后，却是执笔忘字，中英文一窍不通。(有此部落格为证。）

        后来不晓得什么缘故我爱上数学。哦，想起了， 是受了一本还是一篇关于陈景润的书/文章影响。那一年我的数学成绩突飞猛进，心想某年某天我一定能破解哥赫巴德猜想 （Goldbach's Conjecture）而成为报纸头条。哈，十年窗下无人问，一举成名天下知。二十多年以后，偶尔也会被上小学五年级儿子的数学功课难倒。

        又后来，学校来了一位姓林的历史老师。他上课生动历史故事不断。更何况，我一篇作文中的一句“何谓历史，看看谁是当权者”被他在班上高度地赞扬。于是那一年，我便立志将会成为一位历史教师。从那一天起，我爱看历史书。我自认我的历史知识和水平比许多人还高。二十多年以后，就因为以前爱看（历史）书，现在看不上香港或者是中国的古装电视连续剧。很抱歉，“后宫甄嬛传”只看了故事大纲就失去兴趣，连那一点免费的娱乐都被抹杀了，这是读书的错。

        上了高中，受了马列主义思想的熏陶，我想成为一位哲学家。我思故我在（I think therefore I am）。于是十四五岁左右，我对什么唯心论 （idealism）和唯物论（materialism）弄得一知半解。二十多年以后，把那弄得一知半解也忘掉。现在的我有点儿唯心，往往留意自己的每天星座和生肖运程，也爱上网求签问卜。

        值得一提，大学毕业后，在机缘巧合下，我一直从事会计工作，可谓不务正业。化学科上学的什么氢 氦 锂 铍 硼，碳 氮 氧 氟 氖，。。。。一二铜，二三铁，锰氯钾锌有几变，。。。。甚至化学元素表和元素价永远挥之不去，牢牢记在心中。但是日常生活上何常用得到这些“无聊”的东西？我昨天下午学的有用医学英文单词却又不知溜到哪儿去。很有六世达赖喇嘛仓央嘉措情意结，“我默想喇嘛的脸儿，心中却不能显现；我不想爱人的脸儿，心中却清楚地看见”。我要牢记英文单词不要化学元素行吗？兰因絮果，干脆再来一句“世间若无双全法，不负如来宁负卿”。

        曾经年轻的你是否也和我一样，有过梦想？多年以后的如今，却象一只被久困笼中的鸟，把想飞的愿望忘了？！

--写给我敬爱的金素缇老师。请让我在此借用鲁迅先生的“阿长与山海经“里最后一段“仁厚黑暗的地母呵，愿在你怀里永安她的魂灵。”